Illumination from the residents of Firefall, LLC
We decided to enter Intuit’s Small Business Big Wishes contest because we love free money. So you should vote for us to win because you love us…you do love us don’t you? So click on the link, look at the image of our sad, but stunningly beautiful employees and VOTE.
Click Here to Vote for Firefall Pro
If we win you can totally come to our office and enjoy our new bar…er I mean heating system, yeah heating system.
Look at how sad we are:
Greetings from Firefall
Dear Clients and Friends:
We wanted to take a moment and reflect on the events of Hurricane Sandy last week.
We hope everyone is safe and secure throughout the Tri-state area, and our thoughts are with those that continue to be without power and basic necessities, which will be further compounded by the upcoming Nor’easter storm on Wednesday. If there’s anything we can do to be of assistance, call us at 917-464-5231, or E-mail us at [email protected]. Day or night, it doesn’t matter.
With services restored to our offices this weekend, we began bringing all systems back online. I’m happy to report that our web hosting platform maintained full availability, without interruption. As of today, we’ve resumed normal operations at full capacity, and we’ll be reaching out to all our clients with ongoing projects to make sure that everything’s ok, and to get back in sync. And feel free to let us know how you’re doing, as it’ll help us breathe a little easier, and worry a bit less.
Thank you for your support as we work to get NYC back up and running again.
Always at your service,
The Firefall Team
As New Yorkers begin the hard road to recovery, I’m happy to report that our team is safe and secure, and that we’re continuing to assist our clients in any way that we can. As our offices in Manhattan (and everything below 27th street) remain powerless, we’ll continue to be reachable at [email protected], or at 917-464-5231.
Thanks for your patience and understanding. More updates to come, here on Firelight.
Julius
We’ve recently had some inquiries regarding the various departments and staff within the FireFall Headquarters. So, here we are to dispel rumors, and to enlighten those who may be interested in gaining further knowledge about our company.
Our tentative mascot (as of July 17, 2012)
Meet Harry the baby wombat. He’s thoroughly upset when people misspell his name (see: “Hairy”, Hairball”, “Hairywomb”). Don’t make this mistake.
Our PR Department
One may believe that our PR department consists of a handful of people (if you’ve called our office, you may have had the pleasure of speaking to multiple representatives), but in actuality we just hired a voice actor to play the role of three different employees – Scott, Jess, and Lily. Hiring voice actors is advantageous because it reduces the workload of employees and gives the impression that we in fact care enough to have you on hold for 15 minutes while we “forward you to a higher up”.
Our Resources Department
Thanks to our Craigslist solicitors (refer to our Illiteracy Contest Awards), we have a plethora of potential employees we could recruit on our team. Fortunately, we don’t want any of them.
Our S’mores & Liquor Department
Have you ever seen the show “The IT Crowd”? This department is comparable to that show– they hide out in a basement and only ever come out for office parties, i.e. every day after 5 when S’mores and Liquor make an appearance.
This list is already getting too long and bothersome to deal with. Call our Customer Service Department if you want to know more: (917) 464-5231
Until next time, fellow readers!
We recently received a request from Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com regarding our illiteracy contest due to our satirical commentary of his website. To comply with his request we’ve removed all references to his site from the offending post.
It was rather unfair of us to poke fun at his site, instead of just clearly laying out what qualified him for our “illiteracy award”. So, to be fair we’ll explain exactly what happened.
We’ve had numerous problems in the past with receiving unsolicited requests to Craig’s List job listings that we post. Thankfully they provide a flag that lets us identify the post as one that should not be contacted for commercial interests. Unfortunately that flagging goes ignored by some.
To help reduce the amount of spam we get, years ago we instituted a policy where in the bottom of each job post we warn anyone that contacts us about something that is clearly a solicitation and not an application that we’d take action. We even provided examples of what would happen incase there was any ambiguity.
Thus began our Illiteracy Contest. Named that way, because not only would the respondent have ignored the Craig’s List flag, violating their terms of use, but also not understood meaning of the post itself. In addition they’d have to ignore the stern warning at the bottom.
Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com was one of several entities that contacted us through a Craig’s List job post and offered us commercial services. The exact kind of services flagged against in the post and listed out in the warning at the bottom.
So, if you’re looking for commercial website services, such as SEO, and other web related design, check out Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com. Also if you have a moment, google “tbgdesign4u.com forum” and take note of the forum posts and profiles that have links back to his website. I believe thats what SEO people call “relevance building.”
We hope Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com can help you, just like he tried to help us by responding to our post.
For those of you unaware, life as Jess Tayts The Project Manager is stressful. Lots of irregular sleep patterns due to all-weekend Phish festivals, lots of Project Managing-esque jobs to tend to, and on top of all of that — lots of tormenting and an unusually large display of hate from Scott P. You may wonder who this “Scott” character is; to many he’s an anomaly, to others (by “others” we mean Jess) he’s the equivalent of Jewish hell if Jewish hell were in existence.
If we had to describe this “Scott” guy more accurately, we would plaster his face on the head of a feisty cat whose owners neglect to feed him. Lack of food equals lack of affection. Occasionally, Jess attempts to feed him in an effort to loosen him up and prevent him from lashing out on her. Sadly, her efforts are futile.
Our lovely new addition to the office, Norman the Narwhal. Sometimes he wanders around the office in a drunken stupor –looking for people who are willing to listen to him mumble incoherently about his love-hate relationship with Charlie the unicorn (after all, Charlie is far more handsome and less plump) or even topics as far-fetched as the internet’s infatuation with cat memes over narwhal memes. And, sometimes…oh who are we kidding– all of the time, he’s typically whimpering in a corner over his lack of narwhal fame. Even in his states of sobriety, he manages to maneuver his plump self into some section of the office in order to cause havoc.
Seriously, who isn’t turned on by LOLcats’ repertoire of sexy one-liners? But narwhals…narwhals…well, they’re a different type of breed. Unique. Whimsical. Plump. Perhaps less cute, but always bringing with them a good time.
Howdy Firefans,
It seems that a new crop of Craigslist solicitors are chomping at the bit to get collectively torn a new one in our semi-regular, wholly-prestigious feature, The Firefall, LLC International Illiteracy Awards and Steak Dinner Benefit Concert for a Free Internet®™©. Anyway, we at Firefall are just trying to do our part to boost these fine companies’ SEOs and get them those coveted page ranks that they so rightly deserve! (and totally not for being hacky, poorly designed, generally confusing trash cans of sites that should be bleached off the face of the web forever and ever, amen. [That would be totally dickish on our part, right guys?]). So, drumroll please maestro, without further ado, we present to you the the nominees for this week’s illiteracy awards; and remember ladies and gentlemen, when everyone nominated fails this hard, we all win!
1. Rae Parth/ Axis.com, Inc.
As I’m just posting these in order of how they came into my inbox I almost hate starting off with this guy because he’s got a kind of awesome, Game of Thrones type name, but public shaming is the only way these people will learn to respect the do not solicit flag. Here are a few choice nuggets from Mr. Parth’s initial correspondence,
Take a look at my portfolio you will see that I am more then able in this realm of online website creation. I just charge a lot less then others. Basically what that means is I always beat my competitions price.
A sincere and heartfelt thank you, Rae, for clarifying what you meant by charging a lot less than others. He so eloquently continues:
I have clients IN CT, NJ & PA so I am constantly traveling throughout the week. Meeting in person is never a problem and I insist on face to face meetings weekly.
Watch out! we got a real jet-setter over here! Also it’s always a good idea to insist things of people you’re trying to get to hire you.
Rae included this link, www.axis.com in his contact info so I’m going to assume this is whom he’s affiliated with. Click through to see a stock image of a creepy Mormon in what looks to be some kind of country club change-room!
Pro-tip Rae, send a maximum of 10 links that you’re really proud of instead of fucking 500 and for everyone’s future sanity, DON’T SPAM PEOPLE.
Edit: Apparently this is at least the second time we’ve been spammed by Axis so we surmise not only have they e-mailed every single web-development job, but also every casual encounter ad as well.
2. Portrave.com
So we’ve got our standard sub-continental offenders here; some sweatshop development in Cochin, India which by my calculations is 20,000 metric fuck leagues from the New-York metropolitan commute-o-plex that we posted to on CL. so It’d be pretty hard for Santhosh Mathew to make it in for the odd client meeting. Also based on the Google Translated cover letter he was goodly enough to attach to his e-mail, it’d be like pulling elephant tusks communicating with these gentlemen. The Gems:
[W]e specializing in design, implementation and maintaining of web-based information systems, web-sites and…
Kindly revert me back with an appropriate time to call you. I would also appreciate if you share your contact details so we can further go on with this discussion.Like to hear from you.
I like to hear from you too, Mr. Mathew, your command of the English language makes me giggle.
3. Sprima Inc.
Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. I would be be glad to answer any questions you have.
Just one: what in the sweet name of the virgin’s tear-ducts are you on about? I defy anyone to read more than a sentence of this without their eyes glazing over,
I am sending you some of the websites that I made in last few months. These web sites have different web features and they use different technologies based on client requirements. I work with my clients to understand the requirements and then build web-sites to our clients satisfaction. Here are some of the example websites. I build attractive, dynamic, informative and eye-catching websites to get more prospective clients to you.I can assure you that you will have the best experience to work with us in building your web-presence.
Let me know what you think about this project. I work closely with them to understand the requirements and produce quality product in most affordable cost in a timely manner. My customers are extremely happy working with me and my service. In the outset, I would like to assure you that you will have the best experience working with me to build your web-presence.
4. [removed]
5. Terry Parrott/ Dolphin Micro Inc.
Terry Parrot…Dolphin Micro, I’m getting a heavy Jimmy Buffet vibe from these people — too bad their whole steeze is just as tepid and un-interisting as Margaritaville. See for yourself, www.dolphinmicro.com/home.
And then there’s Mr. Parrot’s stunted, shuffling cover-letter that leads me to believe Terry Parrot is nothing more than a robot powered by a barely functioning brain-in-a-jar, sorry I just watched Source Code last night. You be the Judge:
Thank you for the opportunity to reply to your post,
Your looking for a Web Developer/Designer? I can help! Web development/design is not new, but sometimes we forget just how powerful and versatility the tools to develop/design websites has become. It makes you wonder if developer/designers will every have any limits. This is why our team is made up of the strongest web development/design experts you can find. And I do not use the word experts lightly! Our developers our continually expanding their knowledge and skills in all areas of Web Development/Design. It is true we work as a team, but you would be assigned one developer to head your project, probably Peregrin or Pablo, two of our best. Check out the examples of work we have done and see if you think we might be a good fit.
So, by all means, if you’re interested in hiring AIs on the verge of becoming self-aware, but with no danger of ever becoming competent have a blast with the “people” over at Dolphin Micro Inc.
That concludes our round-up of this week’s edition of the Illiteracy awards. We’re accepting votes by text and all of our judges are easily bribed so pick your favorite candidate and happy balloting!
This is Jake Cohen, saying good night and good luck America.
Hi,
I’m Jake, I work at Firefall. I’ll be updating the blog with random musings, things heard round the office and internet treasures.
Scott regrets this already.
As some of you may know, we here at Firefall hate when people don’t read. We especially despise those who solicit us even when we explicitly say not to. So without any further ado I present the winners of this round’s illiteracy contest:
Our first winner is Emiliano Sanchez of Myinfo.com. Emiliano writes us explaining how he’s, “a real person, trying to make a sincere dollar”. I’m assume he means by spamming Craig’s List. I think his website alone serves as a good enough deterrent.
That soccer ball is animated. No really it is.
Honorable mention goes to 369 Interactive Solutions, they’ve got a mostly broken website but their letter wasn’t a mine field of misspellings, just a variety of font sizes.
I’d like to thank everyone that participated in our illiteracy contest. Matt pointed out that we should put up more Craig’s List ads just to get more of these excellent submissions.
