Firelight

Illumination from the residents of Firefall, LLC

Update to Contest

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We recently received a request from Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com regarding our illiteracy contest due to our satirical commentary of his website. To comply with his request we’ve removed all references to his site from the offending post.

It was rather unfair of us to poke fun at his site, instead of just clearly laying out what qualified him for our “illiteracy award”. So, to be fair we’ll explain exactly what happened.

We’ve had numerous problems in the past with receiving unsolicited requests to Craig’s List job listings that we post. Thankfully they provide a flag that lets us identify the post as one that should not be contacted for commercial interests. Unfortunately that flagging goes ignored by some.

To help reduce the amount of spam we get, years ago we instituted a policy where in the bottom of each job post we warn anyone that contacts us about something that is clearly a solicitation and not an application that we’d take action. We even provided examples of what would happen incase there was any ambiguity.

Thus began our Illiteracy Contest. Named that way, because not only would the respondent have ignored the Craig’s List flag, violating their terms of use, but also not understood meaning of the post itself. In addition they’d have to ignore the stern warning at the bottom.

Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com was one of several entities that contacted us through a Craig’s List job post and offered us commercial services. The exact kind of services flagged against in the post and listed out in the warning at the bottom.

So, if you’re looking for commercial website services, such as SEO, and other web related design, check out Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com. Also if you have a moment, google “tbgdesign4u.com forum” and take note of the forum posts and profiles that have links back to his website. I believe thats what SEO people call “relevance building.”

We hope Todd Greenberg of tbgdesign4u.com can help you, just like he tried to help us by responding to our post.

More Nominees for the Illiteracy Awards

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Howdy Firefans,

It seems that a new crop of Craigslist solicitors are chomping at the bit to get collectively torn a new one in our semi-regular, wholly-prestigious feature, The Firefall, LLC International Illiteracy Awards and Steak Dinner Benefit Concert for a Free Internet®™©. Anyway, we at Firefall are just trying to do our part to boost these fine companies’ SEOs and get them those coveted page ranks that they so rightly deserve! (and totally not for being hacky, poorly designed, generally confusing trash cans of sites that should be bleached off the face of the web forever and ever, amen. [That would be totally dickish on our part, right guys?]). So, drumroll please maestro, without further ado, we present to you the the nominees for this week’s illiteracy awards; and remember ladies and gentlemen, when everyone nominated fails this hard, we all win!

1. Rae Parth/ Axis.com, Inc.

As I’m just posting these in order of how they came into my inbox I almost hate starting off with this guy because he’s got a kind of awesome, Game of Thrones type name, but public shaming is the only way these people will learn to respect the do not solicit flag. Here are a few choice nuggets from Mr. Parth’s initial correspondence,

Take a look at my portfolio you will see that I am more then able in this realm of online website creation. I just charge a lot less then others. Basically what that means is I always beat my competitions price.

A sincere and heartfelt thank you, Rae, for clarifying what you meant by charging a lot less than others. He so eloquently continues:

I have clients IN CT, NJ & PA so I am constantly traveling throughout the week. Meeting in person is never a problem and I insist on face to face meetings weekly.

Watch out! we got a real jet-setter over here! Also it’s always a good idea to insist things of people you’re trying to get to hire you.

Rae included this link, www.axis.com in his contact info so I’m going to assume this is whom he’s affiliated with. Click through to see a stock image of a creepy Mormon in what looks to be some kind of country club change-room!

Pro-tip Rae, send a maximum of 10 links that you’re really proud of instead of fucking 500 and for everyone’s future sanity, DON’T SPAM PEOPLE.

Edit: Apparently this is at least the second time we’ve been spammed by Axis so we surmise not only have they e-mailed every single web-development job, but also every casual encounter ad as well.

2. Portrave.com

So we’ve got our standard sub-continental offenders here; some sweatshop development in Cochin, India which by my calculations is 20,000 metric fuck leagues from the New-York metropolitan commute-o-plex that we posted to on CL. so It’d be pretty hard for Santhosh Mathew to make it in for the odd client meeting. Also based on the Google Translated cover letter he was goodly enough to attach to his e-mail, it’d be like pulling elephant tusks communicating with these gentlemen. The Gems:

[W]e specializing in design, implementation and maintaining of web-based information systems, web-sites and…

Kindly revert me back with an appropriate time to call you. I would also appreciate if you share your contact details so we can further go on with this discussion.

Like to hear from you.

I like to hear from you too, Mr. Mathew, your command of the English language makes me giggle.

3. Sprima Inc.

Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. I would be be glad to answer any questions you have.

Just one: what in the sweet name of the virgin’s tear-ducts are you on about? I defy anyone to read more than a sentence of this without their eyes glazing over,

I am sending you some of the websites that I made in last few months.  These web sites have different web features and they use different technologies based on client requirements. I work with my clients to understand the requirements and then build web-sites to our clients satisfaction. Here are some of the example websites. I build attractive, dynamic, informative and eye-catching websites to get more prospective clients to you.I can assure you that you will have the best experience to work with us in building your web-presence.

Let me know what you think about this project. I work closely with them to understand the requirements and produce quality product in most affordable cost in a timely manner. My customers are extremely happy working with me and my service. In the outset, I would like to assure you that you will have the best experience working with me to build your web-presence.

 BLUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This quote from Billy Madison is really apt, “…We are all dumber for having listened to that, I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”

4. [removed]

5. Terry Parrott/ Dolphin Micro Inc.

Terry Parrot…Dolphin Micro, I’m getting a heavy Jimmy Buffet vibe from these people — too bad their whole steeze is just as tepid and un-interisting as Margaritaville. See for yourself, www.dolphinmicro.com/home.

And then there’s Mr. Parrot’s stunted, shuffling cover-letter that leads me to believe Terry Parrot is nothing more than a robot powered by a barely functioning brain-in-a-jar, sorry I just watched Source Code last night. You be the Judge:

Thank you for the opportunity to reply to your post,

Your looking for a Web Developer/Designer?  I can help!    Web development/design is not new, but sometimes we forget just how powerful and versatility the tools to develop/design websites has become. It makes you wonder if developer/designers will every have any limits. This is why our team is made up of the strongest web development/design experts you can find. And I do not use the word experts lightly!   Our developers our continually expanding their knowledge and skills in all areas of Web Development/Design.   It is true we work as a team, but you would be assigned one developer to head your project, probably Peregrin or Pablo, two of our best.   Check out the examples of work we have done and see if you think we might be a good fit.

So, by all means, if you’re interested in hiring AIs on the verge of becoming self-aware, but with no danger of ever becoming competent have a blast with the “people” over at Dolphin Micro Inc.

That concludes our round-up of this week’s edition of the Illiteracy awards. We’re accepting votes by text and all of our judges are easily bribed so pick your favorite candidate and happy balloting!

This is Jake Cohen, saying good night and good luck America.

Literacy Optional

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From: [email protected]
Subject: Do you Require Programmer? We are Here
Date: September 27, 2006 6:21:45 AM EDT

Hello

I am Dr.Amish Vyas, having Team of progarmmers leading by Technology Experts. we are located in India and availble virtually any where. Please feel free to contact me , if you have any requirement. Dr.Amish Vyas, Email:[email protected]

Re: Job Opening

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Ok, if you’re going to send me a resume, or e-mail containing one, for your own well being at least spell check it. I posted the job opening on Cragislist, and the resumes have started coming in. With it has been a mixture of valid candidates, and those who obviously aren’t trying. For example, graduating from a state or community college is not the perfect reason for being qualified for the position. That’s what experience is for. Also sending the entire message in the same font and size is preferred. Who want’s to get an obvious copy and paste job.

Another key thing is not immediately stating that you’re qualified to work in the U.S. Normally I’d assume any applicant was qualified to work here, but saying you are makes me think you’re trying to compensate for not actually being able to. Applying for a job that centers around details is not the ideal place to reveal how inconsistent you can be. That’s what retail positions are for.

In short, congratulations to those applicants who know what spell check is, and how to use it. Taking a few extra moments not to do something stupid is worth it. Those people actually get interviews, and to the rest of you, learn how to say, “what kind of drink would you like with that.”